Bona Fide Classifieds

• "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

• "And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

• "Auto Repair Service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

• "Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

• "Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00"

• "Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children."

• "Dog kennel, suit medium sized dog, good condition, very turdy ..."
• "Extensive collection of Soviet military surplus for sale by newly independent republic. Wide selection of armor, jets, light naval vessels, and fissionable materials at bargain prices. All sales "as is", lingering radiation on some items. Buyer pays delivery expenses."

• "Fat balding smelly lazy repulsive unemployed WM oaf seeks voluptuous female love slave to fetch beer, change channels, pick up dirty clothes, and suck toes."

• "For Rent: Six-room hated apartment."

• "For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar."

• "For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

• "For Sale - Diamonds $20; microscopes $15."

• "For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy."

• "For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex."

• "For sale by author, signed copies of my extensive 1,950 page expose of the Kennedy assasination and its connection to sunspot activity."

• "For sale by owner, Encyclopedia Britannica, excellent condition. No longer needed. Husband knows everything."

• "For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand."

• "Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover."

• "GE Automatic Blanket - Insure sound sleep with an Authorized GE Dealer."

• "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

• "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross."

• "Great Dames for sale."

• "Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition."

• "House to let. Furnished with period pieces from an unfortunate period."

• "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

• "Illiterate? Write today for help."

• "Let's all make this a bigger and better State Fair. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair."

• "Low cost, single bedroom one-story riverside home for sale. Low contamination, quiet neighborhood with no children or animal life. Contact regional EPA department."

• "Man, honest, will take everything."

• "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

• "Man with flair for public relations needed to superintend Camden dump. Ability to visualize total job perspective beyond immediate appearance could be an asset. Chance to meet and work closely with all types of people. First choice on antiques, bric-a-brac and leftovers. Selection of all leading newspapers and periodicals for coffee breaks. Unequaled opportunity for bird-watching enthusiast specializing in gulls."

• "Mildew fetishist seeks old raincoats and shower curtains. Your trash is my treasure, no item too slimy or smelly."

• "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

• "Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play."

• "Mother's helper--peasant working conditions."

• "Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in."

• "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

• "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

• "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!"

• "Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

• "Roommate needed for two bedroom northside apt. $200/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic and taxidermy."

• "SWM, 39, enjoys assault rifles, heaving drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded fallout shelter."

• "Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free."

• "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

• "See ladies blouses. 50% off!"

• "Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale."

• "7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings."

• "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

• "Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer."

• "Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage."

• "The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the service we render. Pelton Funeral Home."

• "The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities."

• "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

• "Three-year-old school teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred."

• "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

• "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

• "Tombstone slightly used. Sell cheap. Weil's Curiosity Shop."

• "20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year."

• "Two bedroom sublease, nice neighborhood, bargain rent. Only drawback is big hairy spiders that drop off bedroom ceiling at night."

• "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

• "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first."

• "Vacation special: Have your house exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

• "Wanted: A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German."

• "Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required."

• "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

• "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

• "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

• "Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

• "Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night."

• "Wanted: State trooper applicants. Applicants must be six fee tall with a high-school education, or 5' 11" with two years of college."

• "We build bodies that last a lifetime."

• "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

• "We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young."

• "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1."

• "Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family."

• "Widows made to order. Send us your specifications."

• "Will the person who borrowed my metronome please return it? I rely on the rhythm method."

• "Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use. Want lady with automobile."