Bumper Stuck

• If at first you don't succeed ... don't try skydiving.

• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

• You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

• Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.

• Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

• Reality is a figment of your imagination.

• Winning isn't everything, eating is.

• I'm objective; I object to everything.

• Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.

• It's bad luck to be superstitious.

• Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

• Congressional Corruption: A Renewable Resource.

• The more hair I lose, the more head I get.

• Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

• Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

• I love my country - I fear my government.

• Schizophrenia beats being alone.

• The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.

• Save the whales, collect the whole set.

• It's only a game until you lose.

• When all else fails, lower your standards.

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

• If Clinton is the answer it must be a stupid question.

• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

• Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

• Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

• Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

• My Wife's other car is a broom!

• Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

• Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

• Your lucky number has been disconnected.

• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

• Proud parent of the inmate of the month at the Chino corectional facility.

• My daughter turned down your honor student.

• The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

• Oh sure. But what's the speed of dark?

• Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that.

• People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

• Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

• Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

• Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

• I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

• Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

• How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

• Don't steal. The government hates competition.

• You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

• Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed.

• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

• You'll need to know my name. You'll be screaming it later.

• Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

• If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

• Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

• Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

• HUG A LOGGER - you'll never go back to trees.

• I fart to make you smell better.

• Keep honking, I'm reloading.

• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

• If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

• My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.

• i souport publik edekasion.

• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

• ORGASM DONOR